


Duh

by Legendawson



Category: Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)
Genre: Depression, F/M, I couldn't help but do the smallest heathers crossover, Insurance Fraud, M/M, Marriage, Marriage of Convenience, Polyamory, Polygamy, Same-Sex Marriage, Threesome - F/M/M, slight mention of Cameron's abusive parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 04:03:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11592546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Legendawson/pseuds/Legendawson
Summary: Cameron sulks at Ferris and Sloane's wedding until he decides to do something about his feelings





	Duh

**Author's Note:**

> This is so cheesy but this ot3 gives me heartaches so here ya go

Cameron was heartbroken. While taking advantage of the open bar, he sulked. Shit, he couldn't believe Ferris and Sloane were getting married. Shit, he didn't want to believe it. He had plenty of chances throughout the years. Plenty of chances to tell Ferris and Sloane the truth. How he really felt. But shit, they were happy together. _So happy._ So far he'd only had 5 panic attacks today. That was a new low for him. That was good. It could be much worse. Fuck, he was supposed to give a speech in about an hour. He couldn't do it. He had to bail. Could he do that to his two best friends? Leave them on their wedding day? They needed him. But fuck, not in the way he wished. He needed them. Most days they were what kept him sane, today, they were what drove him mad.   
It took all his might not to cry. He clenched his fists every time he felt like he might. He should just let himself cry. People would just assume they're tears of joy, his best friends were getting married today.   
As Cameron finished his beer, he ordered another. Usually beer was not his drink of choice, but today he didn't really care what he drank, he just needed something, anything, to keep his pain at bay without getting him too drunk to make his speech.  
As Cameron chugged his beer down, he felt a presence next to him. It was Jeanie.  
"Hi" She greeted   
Cameron didn't try to hide the groan that escaped his lips   
"Hey" He said   
"What's wrong with you?" She questioned   
"Nothing, what's wrong with you?" He shot back   
"A lot" She laughed   
"I'll drink to that" He said   
She laughed again   
"Seriously, what's wrong?" She asked again   
"I said nothing, ok? Just go fucking help Sloane with whatever she needs" He said   
"Why don't you want them to get married?" She asked   
"I do! I'm happy for them" He lied through his teeth   
"Bull" She said   
"You don't know what you're talking about" He said   
She sighed "Maybe not"  
Maybe it was the amount of drinks he had, but he blurted out "I love them"  
"I know, doofus" She said   
"No, no you don't" He said   
Jeanie looked confused   
"I love them like they love each other. Fuck that feels so good to finally say out loud. Where were you senior year?" He said   
"You need to tell them" She said   
"No fucking way" He said   
"Yes fucking way, they deserve to know" She said  
"They're happy, Jeanie. They're getting married today, I can't be the one to ruin the happiest day of their lifes, also your parents have spent so much time and money on this wedding" He said   
"Maybe they love you too" She said   
"That bullshit, and you know it" He said   
Jeanie shrugged her shoulders   
"Maybe. Maybe not" She said   
"Now will you leave me to sulk, please? My depressing life has been getting ready for this day for years" He said miserably   
"Fine, but at least think about telling them" She said   
Cameron nodded and he gulped down another glass of beer. Shit, he was gonna be drunk by the time he had to give his speech. Thinking about giving his speech drunk almost made him laugh. _Almost._  
After Cameron finished his beer, he made his way down to where Sloane was getting ready.  
"Cam! I'm so glad you're here!" Sloane exclaimed hugging him  
"How are you doing?" Cameron asked  
"I'm doing great, thank you for asking, sweetie" She said   
"No cold feet?" He asked   
She shook her head   
"Good" He said   
"Have you been drinking?" She asked   
"Well yeah, you have a open bar for a reason" He said   
"Ok well don't drink too much, you've got a speech to make" She said pinching his cheeks   
"I love you" He said   
"I love you too! I'm so happy you're here with us" She said   
"I wouldn't miss it for the world" He smiled bittersweetly   
She smiled "Go check on Ferris, will you?"  
Cameron nodded, kissed her cheek, then left to see Ferris.  
"Hey, Sloane sent me to check on you" Cameron greeted   
Ferris turned around with a smile "Good to see you, buddy"  
 _Buddy. Ouch._  
"Good to see you too. How are you?" Cameron asked   
"I'm feeling good. How are you?" Ferris asked   
"Fucking fantastic" Cameron mumbled   
"Are you ok?" Ferris asked   
"Never been better" Cameron lied   
"So, you're not getting cold feet or anything?" Cameron went on   
"No, not at all" Ferris smiled   
"Good" Cameron said as he turned to walk away   
"Wait!" Ferris yelled   
"What?" Cameron asked a little too aggressively   
"Wow, someone's sassy today" Ferris joked   
"Yeah yeah, what do you need?" Cameron asked   
"Will you stay here with me for a minute? I just wanna spend the remaining time of being a bachelor with my best friend" Ferris said   
"Ok" Cameron said as he sat down   
"Thank you" Ferris said   
"How does it feel to be getting married in an hour?" Cameron asked   
"I love her so much. I couldn't be happier" Ferris said   
Cameron sighed   
"Are you sure you're ok?" Ferris asked   
"Yes I'm fine. But I have to go ok? I'll see you at the wedding" Cameron said   
Ferris looked disappointed "Ok. Why do you have to go?"  
"I just have some best man type things to get done" Cameron lied   
"Ok, see you later then" Ferris waved   
"See you" Cameron frowned waving back

There Cameron sat at the bar again. A vodka soda in one hand and a beer in the other.  
Shit, he couldn't keep his feelings a secret forever. Better he tell them now rather than later when they're already married.  
Could he tell them? They both seemed so happy to be getting married. He had to tell them. He knew he couldn't keep all he was feeling to himself forever, one day, he would explode. Telling them now would be way safer and better for their friendship. Shit, he should've told them years ago. But fuck, teenage Cameron had a lot more shit to deal with than adult Cameron, he didn't think teenage Cameron could've dealt with the aftermath of losing his friends. Adult Cameron could because he was away from his abusive parents, without them in his life, he could handle anything.   
It was time. He had to tell them. And if they didn't feel the same way, Cameron knew they would be proud of him anyway, proud for him speaking his mind. Wouldn't they? Would they be mad? Shit shit shit shit shit shit.   
How was it possible to be a functioning human being and be this fucked up? Fuck, any kid who lived through his parents wrath could live through anything. It was time.   
Cameron walked to where Ferris had been getting ready  
"Hey!" Ferris greeted   
"Hi" Cameron said, all of a sudden shy   
"Um I really need to talk to you and Sloane" Cameron went on  
"Can't it wait till after the wedding?" Ferris asked   
"No. Not really. I mean... it would be really fucked up to wait till after the wedding" Cameron said   
"This sounds serious" Ferris said concerned   
"It is" Cameron said   
"Ok, well lets go to Sloane" Ferris said   
"Thank you" Cameron said

"What are you doing here? You're not allowed to see me!" Sloane exclaimed   
"Cameron really needs to talk to us about something" Ferris said   
"About what?" She asked concerned   
"He didn't tell me" Ferris said   
Sloane and Ferris both looked over to Cameron who was pacing anxiously   
"Oh, Cam, what is it, darling?" Sloane asked as Ferris tried to get him to stop pacing  
"You guys should sit down" Cameron said   
"Oh my god, you're dying" Ferris gasped   
"I wish" Cameron groaned   
"Oh my god, you got someone pregnant" Sloane gasped   
Cameron stifled a laugh. The loves of his life were so silly.  
Cameron was silent while he waited for them to stop laughing   
"We're sorry. You can talk now" Sloane apologized  
"Fuck, I can't do it" Cameron said as he started pacing again   
"Hey, yes you can" Sloane said grabbing one of his hands while Ferris grabbed the other, making Cameron blush furiously.  
He yanked his hands away, them holding his hands only made him more anxious.  
"I love you guys" Cameron said   
"That was what was so important?" Ferris asked   
"We love you too, Cam" Sloane said   
"No" was all Cameron said   
Ferris and Sloane both looked at each other confusedly   
"You two are clueless idiots" Cameron said   
"But you're my clueless idiots" Cameron said cringing at how cheesy that sounded   
"I love you two like you love each other" Cameron admitted miserably  
"Huh?" Ferris asked   
"Which one of us?" Sloane asked   
Cameron wanted to scream. He didn't. Cameron wanted to cry. He didn't   
"Both of you" Cameron whined   
Ferris and Sloane both looked at each other.   
"Um, I'll give you guys some time to process this" Cameron said walking out the door

"How do you feel about this?" Sloane asked Ferris gently   
"How do _you_ feel about this?" Ferris repeated the question back instead of answering it  
"I wish he would've told us a long time ago" She said   
"Maybe he didn't know that long" He suggested   
"Want to know how I feel?" She asked   
He nodded "Of course"  
"I love you. And him" She said   
"I feel the same way. I love you both" He admitted quietly   
"Well what now? Do we still get married?" She asked  
"I don't know" He said   
Ferris stuck his out the door to see Cameron pacing around, had he been doing that the whole time?  
"Hey, wanna come back in now?" Ferris asked   
Cameron walked back in and shut the door  
"Um hi" Cameron said shyly  
"Hi Cam" Sloane greeted   
"So um" Cameron said scratching his head   
"We love you too" Ferris blurted out   
Cameron couldn't believe it. Did his ears deceive him? Did they love him?  
"Y-you do?" Cameron stuttered  
Sloane and Ferris nodded   
"Should we cancel the wedding or?" Ferris asked   
"Y'know, whatever you want. Do what you have to do, I'll understand if you want- or need- to get married" Cameron said   
"Get married even if we both love you?" Sloane questioned   
"You still love each other don't you?" Cameron asked   
They nodded   
"Do what you have to do" Cameron said again, clenching his fists in the process  
"I love you two. So much. If getting married will make you happy, then do it, all I want is for you two to be happy" Cameron said   
Sloane and Ferris both pulled him into a hug at the same time. The hug made Cameron want to cry.  
"No" is all Sloane said   
"No" Ferris repeated   
"No what?" Cameron questioned  
"No, we can't get married" Sloane and Ferris said at the same time   
"Are you sure?" Cameron asked   
"Because you two can get married and still love me" Cameron went on   
"How will that work?" Ferris asked   
"You two get married, but you're both dating me" Cameron shrugged trying to act like he wasn't about to have a panic attack   
"Is that really fair to you?" Sloane asked   
Cameron shrugged again "I'd get married so I could commit insurance and tax fraud"   
Sloane started giggling "Cam!"  
Ferris looked lost "I don't get it"  
Which only made Sloane laugh harder   
"See this is why we make a good team" Sloane said   
"If you really think about it, I should be the one marrying one of you. You both had great parents who didn't fucking get rid of insurance when you were 9, I get sick all the time, if I married one of you, I'd be under your insurance" Cameron said   
Ferris scrunched his eyebrows together "Huh?"   
"That makes a lot of sense" Sloane said   
"But it's not like one of you can just randomly marry me now" Cameron said   
"Of course we can!" Sloane said   
"And how do you suppose we do that?" Cameron asked   
"You hate your family, you wouldn't have invited them to your wedding anyway" Ferris pointed out   
"And Ferris & I can just go out there and do a ceremony for everyone, and then we don't sign the documents. Then either Ferris or I marry you and actually sign the documents" Sloane said   
"You're so smart!" Cameron wanted to kiss her   
"What about a witness?" Ferris asked   
"I confessed to Jeanie earlier about loving you two, she seemed pretty cool with it, she probably would be our witness" Cameron said   
"Ok which one of us is going to marry Cam then?" Sloane asked   
Cameron shrugged his shoulders   
"Whichever one of you is more awkward during the wedding can marry me" Cameron suggested   
"You're a real charmer, choosing who to marry like that" Ferris teased   
"Do you think we'll get away with this?" Sloane wondered aloud   
"Probably not" Cameron said   
"A plan with Ferris Bueller? Of course we're going to get away with this" Ferris said   
Cameron and Sloane both laughed  
"Ok, I'm going to go find Jeanie and explain this all to her. I love you guys, see you at the wedding" Cameron kissed both their cheeks and ran off to find Jeanie

Cameron saw Jeanie at the bar drinking. He sat down next to her.  
"Hey I'm getting married wanna be our witness?" He asked  
"What?" She asked   
"What part don't you understand?" He asked   
"You're getting married? To who? When?" She questioned   
"Yes, we're not sure yet, after this wedding" He replied   
"You don't know who you're marrying?" She questioned disbelievingly   
Cameron explained everything to Jeanie  
"Wow, you three idiots brewed this plan up in less than 10 minutes? I'm impressed" She said   
"Is that a yes?" He asked   
"Yes, I will be your witness" She said  
"Aww Jeanie, thank you" He said hugging her   
"Yeah yeah, get off me" She said   
"I'd buy you a beer as a thank you, but open bar so" He said   
"You'll make it up to me some how" She smiled   
"You'll get the privilege of being the only person to know that Ferris and Sloane aren't really married" He said   
"I'm nervous, ya'know? This all happened so fast, I never thought I'd be with either of them, let alone marry one of them" He went on   
"I'm happy for you guys" She said   
"But also jealous?" He asked   
"My brother has two lovers and I don't even have one!" She exclaimed   
"You'll find someone, I mean, if someone as fucked up as me can find 2 people, someone as great as you can find one" He said   
"I'm fucked up too" She said chugging her beer   
"Not as bad as me" He said   
"You got me there" She said   
"I'm gonna go tell Ferris and Sloane the good news. I'll see you later ok?" Cameron hugged her and ran off to find his new found lovers

"Good news, Jeanie said she'd be our witness" Cameron informed Ferris and Sloane   
"Great!" Sloane exclaimed   
"We're gonna be late for the fake wedding, come on" Ferris said   
"It's our fake wedding! We can be late if we want to!" Sloane said   
"We don't want attention drawn to us!" Ferris said   
"It's your wedding, theirs going to be attention drawn to you" Cameron laughed   
"You know what I mean! Come on!" Ferris said grabbing Sloane's hand

Ferris and Sloane's 'wedding' went off without a hitch. For a fake wedding, it was beautiful.  
After it was over, Ferris and Sloane dragged the priest to where Cameron was standing   
"Ooh! Let's get married in the bar!" Cameron exclaimed when he saw them   
"Oh my god" Sloane said   
"That's perfect, let's do it!" Ferris said  
"Sloane, you in?" Cameron asked   
"Yes" Sloane giggled

As the guests were making their way to the after party, Cameron, Sloane, Ferris, Jeanie and the priest- what was his name again?- made their way to the bar.  
"Psst Cameron, which one of them are you marrying?" Jeanie whispered   
"Hell if I know" Cameron whispered back  
"Neither of you were awkward during the wedding, I should've known, you're not me" Cameron addressed Ferris and Sloane  
Sloane giggled while Ferris had an expression on his face as to say "duh"  
"So you two are going to have to decide which one of you I'm going to marry, because I can't choose between you" Cameron said   
Ferris and Sloane were turned around whispering   
"We can't decide" Sloane said when they turned back around   
Cameron walked closer to them and grabbed both their hands "We are only committing insurance fraud, I won't love either of you more than the other, it doesn't matter which one of you I marry" Cameron said   
"We know it's just..." Sloane trailed off  
"Hard to choose, I know" Cameron finished for her   
"Ferris should marry you, he'll deny it, but he was so obsessed with planning this wedding, he was more excited about it than me" Sloane said   
"That is not true! Don't listen to her, Cam" Ferris said  
"Oh she is so telling the truth! Look at how defensive you're getting!" Cameron said   
Sloane rolled her eyes "It's so annoying how your masculinity is so weak that you can't admit you liked planning our wedding"  
"Fine! I loved planning our wedding! It was great! Are you happy?" Ferris yelled  
"Yes, thank you" Cameron and Sloane said in unison   
"Ok is it settled then?" Jeanie groaned from behind them  
"Cam and Ferris will get married!" Sloane clapped happily   
"You cool with that?" Ferris asked Cameron   
Cameron smiled "Duh"  
"Duh indeed" Ferris and Sloane said  
They walked back over to the priest   
"I am so confused" The priest said   
"Yeah blah blah blah this wedding was just a rouse, him and I are getting married" Ferris explained   
The priest shrugged "Ok. I've done weirder weddings"  
"After this, I want to hear about those weirder weddings" Cameron said   
"Ferris, will you have this man to be your husband, to live together with him in the covenant of marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health and, forsaking all others, be faithful unto him as long as you both shall live?"  
"I do" Ferris said   
"And Cameron, will you have this man to be your husband, to live together with him in the covenant of marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health and, forsaking all others, be faithful unto him as long as you both shall live?"   
"I do" Cameron said   
"You may now kiss the groom"   
As Cameron and Ferris kissed for the first time, Sloane cheered and Jeanie smiled sheepishly.  
"Ok let's sign this shit" Cameron said as the priest took out the paperwork

After the papers were signed, Jeanie left to go to the after party. The priest went to where ever priests go after they perform a wedding- church???  
That left the three of them at the bar.  
Cameron was playing bartender so he filled up three cups of beer and then sat down.   
"Fun fact, Did you know that the meaning of life is death? That our purpose of being born is to die..." Cameron said   
"That is NOT a fun fact..." Sloane said   
Ferris spit his beer out "What the fuck?!"  
Then they all burst out into laughter.  
"When Cam comes to live with us, our house is gonna be so clean" Ferris said   
"Is that why you married me?" Cameron joked   
Sloane giggled "Duh"  
"Duh indeed" they all said in unison and clinked their beers together.

After they all finished their beers, they went to the after party.   
Jeanie was dancing with Sloane's hot cousin, Martha Dunnstock and Betty Finn were eating all the cupcakes, Heather Chandler was hitting on Ferris's dad, all things were as they should be.   
"Let's ditch" Ferris said   
Both Cameron and Sloane were shocked to hear him say that   
Ferris saw how they were looking at him "Shut up, I'm married now, I'm too old for this"  
Again, Cameron and Sloane were shocked   
"Come on!" Ferris yelled dragging them out of there.

"Cam are you staying at our house tonight?" Sloane asked once they were in the car   
"Don't care" Cameron mumbled, he was half asleep.  
"I'll take that as a yes" Ferris said   
By the time they got home, Cameron and Sloane were both asleep in the car.   
"I'm the newlywed and I'm carrying people inside? Not fair" Ferris mumbled as he picked up Sloane.  
He brought her inside and set her on the bed.  
After he did the same with Cameron, he got back in the car, and drove back to the after party.  
When he got there, Jeanie was in her car about to leave  
"Hey sis!" He yelled   
"What do you need? You would never "hey sis" me if you weren't sucking up" She said  
"Ok, you got me. I need your help" He said   
"What now?" She questioned   
"So I got to have a ceremony with Sloane, I got to have a ceremony with Cameron, we need to do one for Sloane and Cameron" He explained   
"Why? They can't get married for real" She said  
"Dammit, Jeanie, its the principle of the thing!" He yelled  
"Ok I'll help you, but can't this wait till the morning?" She asked   
"Not if I want it to be a surprise!" He said   
"Fine, get in the fucking car" She said

Ferris and Jeanie went to the dollar store and bought a bunch of shit.  
They sat in the car putting together paper doves on a string.  
"You know, I don't think I needed your help" Ferris said   
"Fuck you" Jeanie cursed

Inside Ferris and Sloane's house, Ferris and Jeanie hung up the paper doves, put flowers all around, and put balloons around, it looked shitty, but a "there's a lot of beauty in ordinary things" kind of shitty.

After Jeanie left, Ferris passed out on the couch.   
When Ferris woke up, he saw Sloane and Cameron looking down on him.  
"What is all this?" Sloane asked   
"Ok so you and I had a ceremony" Ferris said referring to Sloane   
"And you and I had a ceremony" Ferris said referring to Cameron   
"You two need a ceremony" Ferris said   
"Aww that is so sweet" Sloane said   
"Thank you" Cameron said   
"Thank Jeanie too, she helped me with this" Ferris said   
"When is this ceremony?" Sloane asked   
"Whenever you guys want. I bought cake too" Ferris said   
Sloane and Cameron high fived

When they were about to have their ceremony, they invited Jeanie over. She was the one who pulled the string connected to the paper doves so they'd move.  
"Sloane, will you have this man to be your husband, to live together with him in the- shit what's the line?" Ferris started   
"Covenant of marriage, you idiot!" Jeanie yelled  
"To live with him in covenant of marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health and, forsaking all others, be faithful unto him as long as you both shall live?" Ferris continued without a hitch   
"I do" Sloane said   
"And Cameron, will you have this woman to be your wife, to live together with her in the covenant of marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health and, forsaking all others, be faithful unto her as long as you both shall live?" Ferris finished   
"I do"  
"You may now kiss the bride" Ferris said as he threw confetti at them  
Ferris continued throwing confetti as they kissed.  
"Ok I need a slice of cake now" Cameron said   
"Me too" Sloane said   
Sloane, Jeanie, Ferris, and Cameron sat eating ice cream cake   
"I can't believe you guys just had your wedding ceremony in your pajamas" Ferris said   
"You're just jealous because you didn't get to do it" Sloane said   
"Duh" Ferris said   
"Duh indeed!" Cameron and Sloane said in unison   
"Why do you guys always say that?" Jeanie asked   
"I don't know, we did it once, and it stuck" Cameron answered  
"It's cute" Jeanie said   
"DUH!" Cameron, Ferris, and Sloane said in unison   
"Wow" Jeanie said   
"DUH INDEED" They said in unison again

It was months after they had all gotten together. Cameron had moved in two days after. Now here they all lay in bed.   
"Fuck, marry, kill: Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa, and Han Solo. Go" Cameron said   
When they couldn't sleep, they always played fuck, marry, kill.   
"This is so hard! Um fuck Han, marry Leia, kill Luke, but only kill Luke cause he gay and he ain't gonna marry me or fuck me" Sloane said   
"Wow, good choice" Cameron said   
"Fuck Luke, marry Leia, kill Han" Ferris said. After a few moments of silence, Cameron spoke again.  
"Guys guess what" Cameron said   
"You love us?" Ferris asked   
"Yes! I love you both! How did you know?" Cameron asked   
"Literally anytime you say 'guess what' you just tell us you love us" Sloane said   
"Well I do" Cameron smiled happily   
"I love you too" Sloane said   
"As do I!" Ferris said   
Then Sloane kissed Cameron's left check while Ferris kissed his right.  
"I can't believe something this good actually happened to me" Cameron said   
"It's what you deserve" Ferris said   
"I am trying to sleep now" Sloane mumbled grumpily  
Cameron just laughed and kissed her forehead   
"Goodnight my lovely spouses" Cameron said   
"Goodnight" Sloane and Ferris said in unison.  
For once in his life, Cameron Frye had nothing, _absolutely nothing_ , to worry about.

**Author's Note:**

> it was super hard to decide who Cameron legally married but like they said- it doesn't matter bc they all love each other


End file.
